Wassup!!?

Ok so hey guys how is everyone out there? So let's get right into it!

Today has been an awesome day! I did not go to church physically again this Sunday which SUCKED! I did however watch First Baptist Texarkana on t.v. and it was emotional to say the least. I cried a lot! It was about how when a father is absent, checked out, or gone it takes a huge toll on the child/children. It causes this wound because without a constant father figure, or even a good father the child is more likely to grow up suicidal, depressed, with an eating disorder, etc. than with children with both parents. Now I partially grew up with my dad around. This is a sore subject for me to even think about and I'm crying right now because I still have that pain. The pastor said that divorce may make the parents happier, but it is devastating to a child/children. When I was 8 years old my mom gathered my, my brother and sister and we fled with nothing but the clothes we had on our backs. We left everything behind us. All I remember is being very sleepy and scared. I learned later that my dad was threatening to hurt my mother. I'm literally shaking right now. Sorry. Now fast forward a year and my dad has found us after we had bounced from shelter to shelter and lived in a car. He fights for custody and he gets visitation rights. At first it was just him coming to see for us for an hour with a court official supervising. Then it turned in to every other weekend spent at his place. There were times that I hated leaving my mom and one weekend I stayed behind. Another time I got out of the car as we drove away from our apartment and just walked back home, crying my eyes out. Now what usually happens is that I would be sad about having to leave my mom, and then once the weekend was over I would be sad about leaving my dad. I feel like I have been crying every day since then. The every other weekend thing went on until I was like 13, then my mom told us we had to live with our dad for awhile because she had to find us a place to actually live. It had it's ups and downs and then right after I turned 14 we moved back in with our mom and some friends we were going to stay with. Now from the time I was 12 I had been feeling really different. It really hit me by the time I turned 14. I felt depressed and sad all the time and wanted to even kill myself. I self-harmed until some of the pain went away. JUST TO BE CLEAR THAT IS NEVER THE ANSWER TO ANY PROBLEM! Anyways I always wondered why my dad didn't want us. When we would stay with him he would make fun of our accents that we had developed living in Arkansas and he would call us fat and call us sh*theads, and just make us feel awful. I don't know what toll it took on my bro and sis I never asked them. I remember that my dad would always forget my birthday and only call on his birthday so we could wish him a happy bday! I would dig my nails in my arms until they drew blood just to stop myself from crying. Not having my dad around when I needed him has probably taken the biggest toll on me and I feel this pain and I pray that one day I will be able to forgive him. We are on the outs currently because I was not able to go see him over the holidays and he didn't want to drive to get me because of a "tummy ache".  I said all of that to say this: if you have your dad around please hold on to that.





Okay now for something else. I feel so blessed! I see how  many page views I get and it absolutely amazing, thank you if you read this it means a lot! So this video kind of brought it all up for me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0AimxcIa8A  and it opened the flood gates! I know what he has been through I've been through similar feelings! This guy is amazing! He has another channel and it's awesome as well! His boyfriend has a channel too and it's awesome as well! They are funny people! Now check out this video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c62Aqdlzvqk It's about a woman named Lizzie. She has this rare condition where she cannot gain weight, but instead of that defining her she has turned it into success! She is beautiful and very very inspiring I recommend you check her out!!! Also go type in WeeklyChris on YouTube and check him out! He is awesome as well! I just want to say a big thanks to all of you beautiful people who read this, you are my loyals!!! So i haven't really talked about exercising and eating right lately and it's because I've had other things to talk about, but I promise I'll talk about it next blog! I must sign off now I send my love to each and every one of you and I will see you soon, or wait I will blog to you soon! Until next time!


~Ciao~